Thursday, April 17, 2008

Thief in the house

Someone recently stole an item from the Stumpjack Coffee Company. Not a significant item in terms of monetary value, but significant enough to disappoint and get ticked off about. It was a large decorative bottle of red peppers that we had in the small back room by the restroom. We all know that the world is full of losers and jackasses who care little to nothing for others or the concept of right vs. wrong behavior, and yet no matter how commonplace the wrong behavior might be it never fails to take the rest of us a little by surprise when we actually run into it.

Stumpjack Coffee is offering a reward of one fat pound of exceptional 100% pure Kona coffee to anyone who can and will identify the pathetic loser who took the bottle and effect the return of said bottle. Kona goes for upwards of $50 a pound and more in some places...we sell it for around $36-$40 a pound here. We will also be happy to post the picture and name of the thief on this blog and in the shop for all the world to see and ridicule, so if you know this person and would like to see them receive a little public humiliation, along with getting a pound of some of the planet's best coffee, then do your civic duty and turn 'em in and retrieve the bottle for us...shewt, you can even keep the bottle too if you like it, I just want to shine a light on the ne'er-do-well who sullied this fine establishment with their unsavory presence (and if the perp who took the bottle happens to be reading this I'm sure you can find someone to explain to you all of the words that contain more than one syllable).


jin said...

YOU, Sir David, are awesome!!!
This is a really great idea!!!

That seriously sucks.
I'm sorry that happened.
I wish I knew who did it!
(I LOVE that coffee!!!)

Shortly after I started in business, I made a wedding cake for a really sweet couple. The week after their wedding, they stopped by to give me a gift for "making their day extra special". It was a red glass heart paperweight. I kept it in the front room near a stack of cookbooks. It sat there for a couple years as a really nice reminder... until one evening, at the end of an unusually busy day, I noticed immediately that it was gone. I believe you captured exactly how I felt with your first paragraph.

Lets paint a picture of Karma, shall we?

*cue the violins*
"As the angry lonely pathetic thief quietly slipped the bottle of red peppers inside his/her coat, he/she hid the evil grin from the respectable, hard working proprietors faces until they exited the building.
He/she skipped all the way home, thrilled with the free aquisition, that is, until he/she felt the wet plop of bird crap that landed directly on his/her head.
He/she cussed, wondering why things like this always seem to happen, when the bottle of peppers suddenly falls out of their coat and smashes into a zillion pieces on the concrete step just outside their door. As he/she tries to retrieve a few of the peppers for possible future use, a fruit fly coincidentally lands on his/her eyelash making the thief instinctively swat and simultaneously rub their eye with the very same hand that had a hot chili pepper in only moments before.
His/her screams were heard for blocks... resonating throughout the breezy Two Rivers streets for weeks.

David said...

You, dear lady, have talents that go far beyond exceptionally delicious pastry should dovetail that talent with writing dramatic or detective novels. That was freaking awesome!

I can visualize the series theme already: Jin Spade, Pastry Queen by day, hard boiled gumshoe by night.

Thanks mucho!